Stuart to Edith
Dec. 10 1917
Best Belovéd,
What to write to-night I hardly know. My thoughts seem very vague and tangled, but what there is is about the future. Do I think and talk too much of those days to which I look so keenly? I wonder if I do. I dream and plan you know of Perfection. I hold out visions which seem too good to be realised and I wonder whether by doing such things I shall disappoint you very very much if they are not achieved either because they are perfect or because of the uncertainty of all things in the future. Please tell me just what you think, for I realize that these dreams, these thoughts may be pleasant and helpful even if they never materialize.
I wonder what you really think of the future. It seems to me that I do most of the talking on that subject, and I fear that my plans and ideas may be allowed by you to override your own which I am sure are better than mine. I am afraid mine are dreams; yours will be practical and also beautiful.
What would you like me to do with my life? I look forward, and for my own part I hardly know what to think. One result I want to achieve and that is happiness for both of us and I don’t see yet the best way. It seems to me we should be very very happy if I still remained at the press and we were to live in the country (say where I do now) and were able to spend my spare time in my home, free from such duties as those with which I have laden myself in the past; I dream for you and me by “our ain fireside” or on the water, or walking together, but – are these selfish dreams? Are there duties which I owe to others?
Don’t think me a prig if I say I feel I owe to God more than many others. You can see that I have more or less achieved in the last 6 years, what the world said was impossible; I feel it could not have been done without divine help and guidance, nor without Divine companionship; and it seems to me that I ought perhaps for that reason (as well as others) give my life to some sort of definite evangelical work. That is why I was rather please with the thought of which I told you. I know (and I don’t think my opinion is wrong) I am successful at my business and that being so I might turn it to good effect in the suggested direction. The idea of ordination recedes very much from the front place, but nothing definite takes it place. If you can and will, please tell me something of what you think, for although you say little I know you think much, and after all it is our life not mine.
Goodbye, Dearest, I am late again, so must not say much, but I think now of the days when Goodbye will not be used in its usual meaning, when you and I are together, with or own small maybe but happiest of homes, when you do not have work you dislike, but rather that which is a joy. Think on, Belovéd, be ever patient, the time will not be long. Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye.
(c) DearestBeloved 2009
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