8 December 1917 Stuart to Edith - Letter #45

Stuart to Edith
Dec. 8 1917
Belovéd,
It is 11 o’clock (“time I was in bed”, you will say) and I sit by the fire along. My thoughts go back to our walk and talk of this evening, which I hope you enjoyed as much as I did. It is pleasing to look into the future, to dream of the days which we hope to enjoy, and I believe it pleases you as well as it does me. You do not say much – but neither do I – you are too full I feel, but I think you like it very much.
I am afraid I hurt you a little perhaps when I speak of unpleasant possibilities, or at least you think me a pessimist but it is not so; I believe we shall both be allowed to enjoy to the full that wonderful, beautiful holy love which has come into our lives.
There is, however, the possibility of the other thing and should it happen, it may be less severe and cruel if you are in some measure prepared. One thing about it troubles me more than a little and it is this. Not as to how you will fee, that will be bad enough, but we shall always be united in spirit and you will look forward to our meeting again, but I am anxious as to how you would spend your life. There comes back to me very vividly how you said on that first Wednesday night “I just HATE” teaching and you said very vehemently; Dearest, we must do something if we can to avoid your life being spent like that.
I ramble, I fear, and do not write nicely, not even as well as usual, let alone p to my improvement, but forgive me for those thoughts have often been in my mind and perhaps now I have expressed them I may feel easier.
Three and a half years is the minimum of our waiting-time. Not too long I think, for I have to save and to do much before that waiting time draws to a close. I hope, however, you will be wrong and that it will not be the happiest time of your life; I am quite willing for it to be such till it is over but when that other time comes, that will, I hope be the best.
I am sure what I said to-night is right and that, for that life to be as perfect as possible. I must give all my time to it,, so that you and I may together build the best home that there ever was or will be. An ideal dream? Perhaps; but I think and hope we shall do our best to make that dream come true.
Can you imagine it, Sweetheart, a home where Love reigns supreme with you and me as its head and a bunch of happy children who can find their pleasures, hoys and happinesses at home with their parents? It’s great and wonderful, and fills me with an awe, which prevents me speaking as I would, but I expect your thoughts are very much like mine, and although the world would ridicule them, I believe they will help us to achieve that Prefect home at which we aim.
I tried to give you some little idea of how you have helped me, especially lately, but it is rather difficult to say anything definite, all I can say is that I am not where I was, but have advanced. I feel better mentally and spiritually, as well as physically and I have little doubt that it is you who have helped. Those evil thoughts against which I waged a long wearisome fight seem now to have quite gone, and in other ways too I am better; especially at home do I feel stronger and more able to resist the cutting words and pinpricks which are thrust at me. You know how depressed used to be for some 4 or 5 months; compare that with what I am now and you will see what good you have done to me.
I am glad that I, in my turn, have helped you but I fear it cannot in anything like the measure you have helped me; I often feel I am amongst much that is not quite straight, at least I am not in a Christian atmosphere and that I am bound to be tainted; I seem to be getting out of touch with the things of religion, but I don’t think the religion which is preached, is the Christianity of the Bible and I think I must work things out for myself a bit more.
This is rather a long rambling note, but I hope you will understand what I have been trying to say, how that you are to me the Best of Women, the purest, the noblest, the BEST of all; I chose you because you were such to me and you have been inspirer and help to me, and although you belittle yourself I know you will never fail me, but will continue to help me up and up until together we get near and nearer Perfect Love and Perfect Life.
Now, Goodbye and Good night. You are, I expect asleep as I write this for it is 11.45; I wish I could just give you another kiss and hug but the time is coming when I shall be able to, when we can go to sleep in each other’s arms to wake again to carry on our joint task. I want to talk more of that time soon and to ask your advice and opinion how best I can prepare for it, so you can think over an answer, and have it ready.
Once again, Goodbye – may God bless you and keep you and make all your life happy and pure and strong, all that is noble and best, and may He make me worthy of that wonderful beautiful love with you have given to me –
Goodbye, Sweetheart, Goodbye, Goodbye.

(c) DearestBeloved 2009