31 December 1917 Stuart to Edith - Letter #57

Stuart to Edith
Dec. 31 1917
Belovéd
It seems quite a long time since I wrote you my last note; I suppose it must be ten days or more; I wonder if I have forgotten how to write the kind you like.
I don’t think I am ever likely to forget just those few moments we had on Christmas Eve, they were to me one of those outstanding times, and especially nice was it when you came to me; do you remember, Sweetheart? I do, very very vividly. It was something of which I had often dreamed and which was then realised; I think it was the happiest time of all Christmas.
I have been trying to tell you recently many of the things which are deep down inside me, those things of which at one time I could not speak, things which show you what I really am, for I want you to know what a really am; I have felt over and over again that you have set me on high in your thoughts and I want you to know that your Man is not a lot better than other men, in fact I sometimes think he is worse in many ways, because he has had experiences such as few have had, which should have been stepping-stones. Dearest, I hope I shall not frighten you, but I feel very much as though I am losing touch with the things that matter. You must have heard how that in the past, I was a keen Church worker, especially on the more spiritual side, but my keenness seems to have gone and there no longer seems the life and help in things that there used to be.
For example, let me tell you what I think I have before. I used to read my Bible daily without fail – now I often omit it; and very often I forget (quite accidentally I believe) to say prayers in the morning and at night I am often too tired to say them properly.
Sweetheart, I fear this hurts you to read that your man is so clay-ey, you who are worthy of the Best that there is, but I think you should know the worst (if it is such) as well as the good things you imagine. I am not, however, content, to remain where I am, I continually struggle to get higher, to reach somewhere near to the beautiful character, which I see in you, you Noblest of Women. Please keep on praying for the Man who used to walk Alone.
Now I must tell you something better, something I just touched last night. It is this. I should not be surprised if the 4 years is sufficient, I can see glimmers of light and hope, I begin to think that I shall be able to do little saving almost at once towards Our Home and as time goes by, opportunities should increase; I cannot see anything very definite yet, but there seem to be signs of daylight on the horizon, the sun is almost ready to burst forth in all his glory and give us that glorious Day for which we are looking.
Goodbye, Belovéd, I seem to want you more and more as the days go by; it is less easy to say Goodbye quickly than it used to be, for there is one thought which I want to express always at such times, one you have often heard, but one which I trust and believe you will never tire of hearing, it – I love you; you the Best, the Noblest, the Purest, the Whitest of all Women, with whom there is no comparison and for whom only one word really suffices and that is – The Best.
Goodbye, God bless you, Wife to be; may the day quickly come when that “to be” may be erased.
P.S.M.

(c) DearestBeloved 2011