3 January 1918 Edith to Stuart - Letter #61

Edith to Stuart
3.1.18
My Belovéd,
I want to tell you about last night, but I do not know whether I shall succeed. During the first part of our walk home, I was very wicked, and wanted to say things which I ought not, nasty, selfish things. When you said you wished you could get inside, I was very glad you could not, sometimes I wish you could, when you would find all nice, happy things inside. But just then you would have found the blackest, most selfish things you can think of. Then, Dearest, you reproved me, and in the best possible way. You did not know that you were correcting me, but that makes no difference. If you had known what was going on inside me, and had corrected me in the usual way, I should probably have been angry, and more selfish than ever. But you just showed me what was inside you, all good, and noble, and pure thoughts, with no trace of selfishness at all, Dearest. I was overwhelmed with what I saw in you, compared with what I had just seen in myself, and I cannot tell you how thankful I was that I had not said the wicked things I wanted to say. But having kept them to myself does not atone for having thought them. Belovéd, if I do sometimes say the bad things I think, you will be patient, won’t you, and you will know that soon I shall wish with all my heart that I could unsay what I have said. I thought I was safe from falling in that way, but last night showed me how careful I shall have to be, and how patient you must be. Do you understand all this?
Now, Dearest, I want to write about what you wanted to do, in fact, what you did. There is one part of me which would say “Yes” to anything you asked of me, no matter what it was. Though I do not tell you often, you know that I love you, and would do anything I can to make you happy. But, on the other hand, I know that what you want to do is just the wrong way about. Last night, I felt I just could not let you do it, because I felt so low down, and I knew you were far, far above me. So, Dearest, when you very much want to do it, you may; but I cannot feel that it is the right way round.
Goodbye, Belovéd, and Goodnight, and thank you, thank you over and over again for all you have done for me, and all you are to me. I expect it is always possible for love to grow, at any rate, my love grows, and grows, and grows.
Goodnight, Belovéd, Goodnight.

(c) DearestBeloved 2011