10 October 1917 Stuart to Edith - Letter #7

Stuart to Edith
Oct. 10 1917
My Best belovéd,
It is not quite so late to-night, but I expect this will be quite short for I am rather “bluey”. Your words have more than sufficed, they have helped me a little out of the Slough of Despond.
I have been to Mrs Turner’s[1], and while I am sure she is not offended, yet she has made me feel that all my life is a FAILURE. In fact, so hard has she hit and so deeply hurt me that I think it was only the thoughts of you that made it easier to come home. I felt like “chucking” it for all; in fact, I told her that but for one thing (which was you, of course – polite wasn’t it, to call you a thing?) I wish I had never been exempted but had gone out to France and been killed.
It does hurt, my belovéd, to feel that these my brothers and my sister have cast me off, that they only put up with me because I am able to bring home the money they want.
I very nearly came in to see you just that I might kiss you and feel that there was one who loved me but I thought “better not”. Why are we (my brothers and sister and I) so far apart? Is it largely my fault? If it is, please do tell me, do show me how I can be more in sympathy with the boys and Gladys.
I must not write much more for I have hurt you I fear. Now I must try to heal it a little. Those three words of yours have just changed things, my grief is partly gone; and those lines have bid me “Never Despair”; how often do these clouds come between us and our Father, and now I, who have perhaps more reason than any one else to remember, how I forgot that He rules over all.
I sometimes feel that I am getting out of touch, that I neither pray nor read nor think as I ought; I hope I am mistaken, but I am afraid not.
One thing I want to ask. You do it already I expect and that is, please pray for me that I may have all the strength and patience I need and that I may bring to a successful conclusion this work of bringing up and caring for my brothers and sister.
Thank-you again for your note. Those 2 messages were just what I needed.
Good night, Belovéd, I am with you in spirit though not in the flesh, and in the spirit I say good-night to you, my dearest and my best.

[1] Mr and Mrs Turner had a smallholding at the end of Kennington Lane and were friends of the Mills boys. Mr Turner had a milk round and some of the boys would occasionally help.

(c) DearestBeloved 2009