8 October 1917 Stuart to Edith - Letter # 4

Stuart to Edith
Oct. 8 1917
My Belovéd
This is somewhat of an experiment. I am hoping it may be as pleasing and cheering to you to have something from me to read on those evening when we cannot see one another as it is to me.
What to write I hardly know, my brain does not seem in good order. I think though, I must try to convey to you my thanks for the love and confidence you have given me. I wonder if you have any idea what it means to me to feel there is one who loves and cares, for I have so often felt that love was not for me. Love and care for my brothers as I might, I think they could not return it and I feared my sternness and grimness would prevent any one loving me.
And now you have given me all that I hoped for; I pray daily that I may prove worthy of it. You have set me on a pedestal, in your heart. You imagine me better than most, if not best of all, and I am fearful sometimes that when you find, as you will, that I am full, so full of faults and imperfections, that your affections may cool. I hope not, I trust not, but I realize so vividly the tremendous difference between what I am and what you think me to be.
I must thank you too for being so ready to wait for such a time. It must I suppose be nearly 6 years. I do not see how it can be much less, and then what have I to offer you? Very little it seems to me, then my love.
If I realize my aim and become ordained, I hope I shall not be one of the easy-going lazy parsons of which we see many. I hope rather I shall be hard-worked. Or it may be as I told you once, that the Mission field may call me. I wonder how all this appeals to you? I wonder if you feel I am painting a black future; to me it is the reverse.
You say in one of your “expressions of heart and thought” that I must have the best. This is what seems to me the best life and that is why I aim at it, I feel it is my duty after all that has been done for me and mine to give my life to some such work.
I hope you like the prospects (I wonder if you do?) and that you will help me to carry it out.
You have helped me much already, I feel I have more control over certain faults that I had, and I hope you will still continue to give me your help unconsciously it may be, so that together we may reach the perfect life at which we both aim.
How I am to help you I fail to see, and yet if I can you know I will, my beloved. Sometimes when you are in my arms I feel you want me to say or do something to help you in some way, and it hurts me to be unable to realize what you want, perhaps this is all foolishness, but I often feel it to be so.
I am nearly asleep, Gladys[1] has gone to bed and I have the room to myself to think of you and to write down thoughts for you.
I wonder whether you are tired of reading all this; I fear it will not be the pleasure to you that yours have been to me. Nor is there a “Poetry piece” for which I thank you. I do indeed like poetry, especially deep poetry, which I often find most inspiring.
I must say “Goodnight” to you my best beloved; I wonder when the time will come when we shall not part when we say Goodnight. May God bless you and make you always happy, may He give you strength to overcome all troubles. Good night, my beloved, by dearest, good night, good night.

SM

[1] Gladys Elizabeth Mills, 30 March 1897 to 5 May 1946 (Stuart's sister)

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