15 November 1917 Edith to Stuart - Letter #26

Edith to Stuart
15.11.17
My Belovéd
You must have misunderstood me last night, when I told you that your story hurt. It was not for myself that I was pained, but for you. Try to imagine how you would have felt if I had told that story to you. Would you not have been sorry? Would you not have wished that you had been near, to help me bear the heavy burden that had been laid upon me? Even when I told you that I was not happy at school, you were troubled, you sympathised; and that is as nothing compared to what you told me last night. You made me feel that it is time you began to live, not in the ordinary sense of the word, but in its real sense. You have had enough of Sorrow, now life should only mean Joy to you; and I wish with all my heart that I could put an end to your old life today, and that tomorrow, we could set out together on that new life, to which we look forward with such great expectations. But as that cannot be, we must do our best with the opportunities that we have and try to make life pleasant, in fact, really happy.
You said, last night, that you thought you ought to have told me before, I am sure you were quite right in not doing so. Suppose that on that Wednesday evening, the first Wednesday evening, you had told me your story before you told me --- the rest. I already knew that your life had not been a happy one, and I wanted to do all I could to make it happier in the future. So that it would have been very difficult to say “No”, to you, even had I wanted to. And, don’t you see, that if you had told your story first, it would have been still harder to say “No”. There would have been a feeling that I ought not to add one more sorry to your already heavy burden. On the other hand, as I was prepared to say, “Yes”, your story could not have made the least difference to me, in that way. Now, I wonder if I have made this quite clear, or if it is as badly expressed as some other things I have tried to say. At any rate, I must stop now. I hope you will understand and that you will be able to read this bad writing.
Now, Good-night, my Belovéd, and Good-bye. May God soon send to you the great Joy which I feel sure is waiting for your --- somewhere. Good-night.


Lord, when on my bed I lie,
Sleepless, unto thee I’ll cry;
When my brain works overmuch,
Stay the wheels with thy soft touch.

Just a quiet thought of Thee,
And of Thy sweet Charity, --
Just a little prayer, and then
I will turn to sleep again.

(c) DearestBeloved 2009