21 and 22 November 1917 Stuard to Edith - Letter #30

Stuart to Edith
Nov. 21 1917
Dearest,
I expect you will think I am a very unstable sort of person for in spite of what I said in my last note I feel just as unsettled as ever; I think I ought not to have asked the question I did until I had definitely made up my mind.
I want very much to tell you what I think and to know what you think about the future, and I wonder if I shall be able to tell you to-night. Perhaps not, so I will try to write.
It was quite true when I said I feel drawn towards the work I should do or try to do if I were ordained, but work of preaching the Gospel, but I see as I ponder over it, there are many ramifications involved and I doubt whether I should fit in. I wonder also if I tried to do all that I should feel I ought, how it would affect you and our home life, whether I should put work first and so far first as to hurt the home life.
It is very difficult to look at the problem from all sides, to sum up the position, and to make a decision. Perhaps what I said last week was the wisest plan, to let things work themselves out, and as Miss Packer says, give more attention to things of the present and attempt to do them more thoroughly and better.
What do you think? Am I a fit and proper person to undertake this great and important work? Or, do you think I ought to continue in my present position, into which I was thrown as some would say by chance, but let us say, by the hand of Providence and where I have remained, in spite of efforts to get out, and have been extremely successful.

Nov 22, 1917.
Well, I was able to tell you something of what was in my mind, and right glad I am that I was; it is nicer to talk than to write and although it is difficult to talk on these subjects which go deep, yet I am going to try to make myself.
The previous part of this note will show you that I was very doubtful and you have no cause to mentally chastise yourself, as I am afraid you will, for having told me your opinion and offered your advice.
Belovéd, I always want your advice and opinion. You can see the matter from a viewpoint other than mine and by telling me what you think, I shall be getting a truer view. If you knew the innumerable mistakes I have made because I have had no one to whom to turn for sound advice, you would understand more of what your help really means.
It makes me feel very excited, Sweetheart, as I look ahead, as to what lies before us if I do stick to the Press. As I lay in bed last night, I was thinking and it seems our minimum time of waiting is some 3½ years and then --- As I said before I hardly dare think.
Now, Goodbye, my Belovéd. I wish I could find words to express all that you mean to me, to tell you how you have made me better in many ways and have given me happier and better thoughts; and now you are becoming just what I had hoped – my help-mate.
Please allow me to do what I want to sometimes, for you are to me all that is good and pure and holy. You are my Queen, I reverence you, and you must please allow me to pay homage sometimes.

(c) DearestBeloved 2009